All things in life are made up of a delicate balance of light and dark. Events throughout their existence can shift the balance in either direction. The thing that really has been stirring in my thoughts as of late is what exactly can you say is that of the light or dark, the rights or wrongs. How can a human being who is a just a jumble of emotions and thoughts truly decide the boundaries of the two. I suppose in essence it is up to each individual to decide for themselves which path they choose to follow in life. I myself, as of recent, have been forced to look at my past and my possible future and wander if its all the right way for me. I once followed my way into the future blindly asking no questions and accepting my fate as it where. Then I saw the truth behind all those lies that my eventuality was built upon. It was then that I started thinking is all things that are evil really that evil and can good really be all that good. I have realized that in life there are no clear cut lines anywhere in life. There is no black or white, it's all just shades of gray. Shades that can bend in either direction and leave plenty of room for interpretation. Although neither light nor dark can exist without one another, the two don't have any true form other than a melding of the two. Although I have been pondering a lot if it's truly possible for the two to live in harmony with each other. I suppose in a normal human existence the balance shifts on a daily basis and nothing really noticeable occurs. However, in my case, it feels as if light and dark are two seperate entities living in one body. I feel like I am being torn in two directions constantly. Curious as to whether my wrongs are that wrong and what I consider right really is. I think the issues waging in my mind can't be discussed by anyone but myself so I just have to work them out on my own. It always seems like in the end I am always alone in my thoughts. Perhaps, someday I can share them and someone will understand them.
In my short life of 23 years, I have never had anyplace I lived feel like home. I have always felt this innate urge to just up and leave. I've moved around quite a bit since I turned 18 and haven't found a place that was somewhere I wanted to stay forever. It seems like everytime I am happy somewhere this urge to wander wakes up within me and makes me very stir crazy. I admit that at this moment its just a murmur. I really do want to see more of Michigan. I have come to enjoy living out here and love having my family and some really cool friends. Things are looking up in my life for the first time in a very long while. I keep thinking in the back of my mind that it is all too well though. I don't like to think with a negative outlook but I can't help feel like my life is so delicate. It's almost like if I don't watch my step it will all fall apart and leave me broken as well. I refuse to go back to any semblance of the me back I once was. I have really come a long way from how I used to view myself and act. There are still some things in my life I have to work on but I am making strides as far as I am concerned.
I am really starting to feel very much at home in Michigan. I have really come into my current job at Caribou. My co-workers are all freaking awesome and I couldn't ask for better customers. I can't remember enjoying a job as much as I do my current one. It could be that whenever I am feeling sluggish I just drink free coffee... or I just love it that much. It really does help to perk you up quite quickly. Or perhaps its all the great people that come into the store. I have had so many times when I chat with a customer and we go on for a while just talking about different things. It's so nice to get to converse with everyone and get to know some of the regulars. I actually find myself having a better day because some of my favorite customers came in. There are also a couple of really hot guys that come in but we won't get into that one here. It's just such a wonderful change that I finally enjoy what I do. My last few jobs were alright but there were just so many days I hated going or just had a really crappo day. I can honestly say that I haven't really felt either of those things since I started there. Maybe it's just because its only been a few months and I haven't had the time to get tired of my job. I really hope that doesn't happen and as long as I look at my day in a positive light things will go greatly.
Secondly, is my taste in general. Where in the past I despised coffee without a ton of sugar and cream, I now drink it a lot stronger. Instead of just doing it for the energy boost I drink it because I enjoy the taste. The other taste that has changed is my feelings toward alcohol. I used to abhor the taste of any alcohol and would begrudgingly drink just to get drunk. Somewhere out here I began liking the taste of drink more and being able to hold my liquor. It's really quite odd how it changed so quickly but I welcome it with open arms.
The third thing that has been the biggest significance to me is my change in social attitude. These past couple weeks have really brought me out of my shell. Prior to living here I felt very awkward in big crowds. I had a hard time talking with new people and making friends in general.Now when I go out I don't feel quite as nervous or socially inept as I was. I really can enjoy going out in groups or just staying at home now. I really do love having places to go and friends I can talk to when I am out.
I am happy to have gone through so many changes and still kept the real me out. I didn't plan on moving here and recreating me to better fit the surroundings. In truth, I haven't really changed my personality at all and my looks have changed very little. I do admit that I care about my appearance a bit more, but not too the point where I am consumed with me. Thankfully I am still me just with some improvements.
Tonight has me thinking a lot about how much I have changed since I moved out here. First off, I finally grew out my facial hair. My ex always hated when I didn't shave so to keep the peace I usually did. Now I have a goatee and a little hair under my lip thing as well. I rather like the way it looks and feel comfortable with it grown out.
Since I have moved away from PA my life has just kept on getting better all the time. I now have quite a decent sized group of people that I see on a regular basis. I have been hanging out with a great guy every chance our schedules can work it. And lastly but certainly by far not least I have a job I love and a wonderful family who is always there for me. Things just seem to be finally turning around for me. However, it is times like tonight when I get this strange feeling. I feel as if everything I have going for me is all going to come crashing down. It's like I don't deserve this happiness and somehow it will end. I know I sound really pessimistic and slightly paranoid right now, but I am just looking at past incidents. Although, what I had in my past was some good times, none of them even slightly compare to how great it's been out here. I really don't want any part of it to stop or to fall apart. For the first time in years, I am happy with the way my life is and feel happy with myself. It scares me to think that it is all just temporary and will just stop on me without warning. I just have to keep being myself and holding my head high. I know I am good person and that I should get another chance at living a happier life. I refuse to give in and sink into a mire of despair. I will try my best to be strong and most importantly make the most of this chance that I have gotten. I like what life has dealt me lately and won't give it up easily.
So last Friday I got my first cell phone. Yay for me, it's about farkin time I get with the rest of society. Anyway, I feel like such a hyprocrit now. I always bitch at people because I call them on their MOBILE phone and they don't answer. It's mobile its supposed to be with you anywhere and able to receive calls anytime. Half the time I call people it goes right to voice mail or they just never answer. Now that I have one I kind of do the same thing. Hence the hypocrite part. I missed my first ever call from Eric yesterday. Since then I have been out of range for a call from Scott and had to wing it to figure out my voicemail. I now understand how easy it is to miss calls even when the ringer is really loud and its vibrating in your pocket. I suppose I can't bitch about others missing my calls now. Sigh, I have joined the cellular masses now. I promise to those that have my number that I will do my best to answer my phone and return missed calls as quickly as possible. I refuse to become one of the people who have a cell phone but never pick up or constantly lose it. I can at least promise that for now. Oh and by the way this is the end of my rant.
Yesterday evening I went to the Great lakes crossing with my family. While we were there I went to get my haircut at the Mastercut's there. Whilst getting it cut this odd man walks in and plops down on a nearby chair. He starts telling the girl cutting my hair he needs a haircut. He sits there for about 5 minutes trying to decide if he wants it done or not. Now it may not sound like anything out of the ordinary but it was. First off, the guy looked like he just got a haircut. There wasn't even enough there to just get a light trim. Secondly, he made the comment "I should be in a mental institution." Which made me wonder if perhaps he should have been returned not committed. So finally after talking with the girls that worked there for like 10 minutes he decides he doesn't want a haircut anyway. Apparently, the guy had come in like 2 times before during the day and did the same thing. It was just a strange encounter all in all. Oh and before that, when I was waiting to get cut I had this 15ish old boy comment on my hair color. He said it was a great color and then proceeded to tell me about the hazards of ordering hair color online. That conversation lasted about 5 minutes before his family dragged him out of the store. I tell you what a strange day it was. I won't even get into the conversation that was had with my friend's sister later that night. I have to say yesterday was one of my more bizarre days since I have arrived here.
So one thing that has been on my mind a lot lately are thoughts of love. I look back in the past when I used to believe that there is only one person for me in the world. Two times now I have found the one who wasn't that one. Its lead me to embrace the idea that there are many people out there to love. The concept of one true love is a warming thought, but highly unrealistic. In today's world, divorces of couples together over 25 years is a common occurrence. Why should I think that because I am homosexual that I am somehow exempt from such atrocities. True divorce can't happen because marriage never could but hey same train of thought. If everyone spent their life thinking that there is only one for them in the whole big world many people would be very lonely. I find it a blessing that I have had the fortune of falling in love with two people over the past 5 years. I have had the experience of what love feels like and the pain when it's gone. That in in itself has proven to me that a feeling like that doesn't just die after you have it once. I think every person has many potential people for them. It's just a matter of leaving your heart open to the idea, without just settling for someone who pays you some mind. I think in my lifetime I will perhaps fall in love many more times before meeting someone to share permanence with. It's nice to think some people just meet that one for them and that's that. However,it's unrealistic to believe that they may happen. Love is something that takes on many forms and shapes. Finding that special someone sometimes require dating the ones who aren't that one, I suppose. But, when you find love embrace it and nurture it to its fullest. That feeling may not last forever and can never be given enough attention to.
Okay so today was my first scheduled day of work. I had to be up at 4:30 to be there at 5, but I managed. I was really nervous about starting off today. I was worried that it would be difficult for me to get the hang of things. Boy, was I wrong! I was told by my boss and co-worker many times during the day about how well I did. I really enjoy working there so far. The people who come in are nice to chat with and my co-workers are very cool and welcoming. It felt so great to be back at work again. A whole month went by between jobs. This is such a great job for me. I love being around people and getting to know their names and orders. I am excited to start my barista training part. I got the register stuff down pat really quick. It's nothing to me actually. I used the same kind of register at Subway. All in all a great first day. Hopefully more to come. Though I am a bit happy that I don't have to do a lot of opening shifts. I was fine earlier today but now my arse is sort of dragging. I got enough sleep its just been a long day. A good day but still long. I just love my life right now. Everything is so wonderful. I truly feel super lucky to have things the way I do. Good friends, great family, and a job I enjoy. Life is wonderful! It's about time after the crap I've dealt with in the past. Looks like my good kharma is coming back to me.
So Saturday was a really fun day. I went with my family to Pontiac for its annual ice sculpting festival. It was such a neat experience. I am amazed by how intricate some of them were. The coolest part is that a lot of them were done by high school students. If only Wilson offered courses in that, I so would have done art more. Anyway, a lot of the shops there had sculptures out as well. It was fun to go out and enjoy something free for a change. Living back in PA, there was never anything interesting to see or do. Out here there are art festivals of all sorts and plenty of places to just hang out for cheap. I am sure to all my friends this stuff is old news but for me it's a brand new experience. I am trying to make the most out of everything I can. I have been out here a month now and already have fallen in love with this place. The people I have met are wonderful and make me feel welcome when I hang with them. Take Saturday night for example. I went with Sarah and Eric to their friend James's house for Board game night party. Right away I felt relaxed and was able to really enjoy myself. We were all drinking, getting loud and just having a fun time. I have had a lot of times in the past when I meet new people and just feel kind of weird all night. I am so happy to have had the chance to go and have a good time like that. Everybody was just so cool and I hope to do it again soon. The best part was that when playing guys versus girls we totally owned them 2 out of 3 times. We rule, end of story there. Also, I discovered that I now like beer. I tried it in the past and found it disgusting. Though last night for whatever reason I loved it. I suppose my tastes have grown for the better. All I can say is its great to finally be able to hold my alcohol and not make a total ass of myself. All in all had a fun time and hope to get to do more things and hang out more often. Eventually I need to learn beer pong too. Never played it but know of it. Totally clueless I know, but it's just a chance to learn something new.