Its been a long time since I've updated and a lot has happened. I now live in phoenix,still with my honey almost 4 years come February, woot! But lately I feel as if I have just hit a wall and I can't get around it. I have worked at Target for almost 4 years and I have spent a larger part of it as a team leader in Phoenix. It has been a love-hate rollercoaster with quite a lot of stress throughout. As of late though its been a lot of hate with little to no love involved. I feel as if my superiors have forgotten that their subordinates are people and just forged ahead in a quest for unrealistic results. They have slowly hacked our schedules down to skeleton crews with the expectation of perfection. Oddly enough, their desired results haven't been obtained so they are putting even more pressure on us to push ourselves and the team even harder. As most humans we all have a breaking a point and I feel many of us have or are close to reaching it. Now, I realize that most people don't love their job but to dread going there the night before is clear indication that something is wrong. So on that note I have decided there is a need to effect a change in my life and pursue a new career. However, this is where I have lost my way. Today I sat down with the intent of starting with the foundation of any new career pursuit...the resume. Previously writing a resume was a cinch for me. I am able to really talk myself up and be proud of my work. When I tried to earlier I couldn't think of a damn thing to say about myself. I would start a sentence and realize I had no idea of where it was going. I looked at templates for help but nothing came to me like it usually does. When it comes to writing professionally I do it almost everyday. My job requires me to write about my progress and business plans quite a lot. I have also helped my peers quite a lot in writing their plans and really making them sound great. Now I am here and needing that skill more than ever and I have no words. I feel like someone damned up my thoughts and left me to flop around like a fish out of water. A part of me is scared to step out of the comfort of my job, which I can pretty much do on auto-pilot anymore. I think that part is stopping me from moving forward and moving on. But there is the other part of me that knows I need to get out of this toxic job situation. I need to just look deep inside myself and find the confidence to take a big step and make this change. I feel that if I don't soon I am going to do something stupid and lose my job. I can only bite my tongue so much before it begins to bleed.
Well after a year and a half I am finally back to working a job during the day. I got promoted at Target to a dayside Team lead. I have yet to be trained for it but I am already working days this week on the inventory prep team. Its been really rough for me trying to re-adjust my sleep schedule to fit work. I am used to being up til 6 or 7 in the morning, now I have to wake up at that time. I find myself tired coming home but only able to sleep from like 10 to 4am. I am very happy to finally be moving up in a job and actually being something other than just a team member. On the flip side, I do miss the night work and the on my nights off the quiet silence the night gives me. Instead, I am surrounded by noise and people all day. I found that once I got used to working overnight I was quite well suited for that time and the work. I had hoped with all my heart I was going to get the team lead position for overnight backroom but that didn't happen. I feel kind of lost being out so much during the day and around the hustle and bustle. I suppose I will soon be fine with my new schedule in another week but until then I am butt tired and only able to sleep like 4 hours a night. Though the plus side is the huge bump in pay I am getting. I will be able to afford the cost of living down here a lot easier and I won't be killing myself working 10 hour days to make ends meet. This also means that if I play my cards right I may be able to get David what I've wanted to for Christmas. I guess I am overthinking this whole situation. I should see it as a plus that I won't be sleeping all day and working all night. I get to live amongst the day walkers and actually be able to go out at night (if I am not already asleep). I just got to wait and see what this new chapter holds for me. I really do hope it starts to turn things around. We need to start having good things in our lives. There has been to much crap piled on us as of late. We finally get away from the demon roommates known as Nicole and Nigel, only to have our once stable cash flow take a nose dive. I hope that my promotion will fix that problem and we can live happily at least for a little while
Tonight I was prompted with the thought of how to measure happiness in life. It was brought on by my asshole of a roommate during a very heated and therapeutic battle royale. He told me that because he goes to school he is going to be successful and happy and I am going to be nothing but shit. Now I realize that having lots of money and a fancy job can bring happiness, but does it last? I work at a Target overnight making enough money to get by and some. However, I am very happy with my life. Should I be unhappy because I don't have my mommy and daddy forking out dough so I can go to school on their dime? Should I be miserable because I don't have a piece of paper saying I am a professional? I know I am not unhappy due to my lack of a degree. I enjoy the jobs I've taken on and find contentment in my life. I have a wonderful, supportive boyfriend for starters. I think the fact that I have such a great relationship is considered success to me, considering how long a lot of relationships last anymore. Secondly, I look at all the people in my life who haven't gone to school and where they are in life. There's my sister who didn't go to college yet she has a great marriage and two beautiful children. To me she has accomplished a great thing in her life. Making life is a wonderful achievement, money can't bring that kind of joy. I look at David's brother who didn't go to school and yet he is happy in life. He has a good job, a great partner, and has created happiness in his life. I see many people around me who are non-college degree holders and see where they have gone in life. The way I see it is that though I didn't finish college I know I am a decent person and have done a lot in my 25 years of life. I don't regret not finishing and look back at the experience with a great amount of pride. My experiences in life have molded me into who I am. Unlike him, I am a decent human being with common sense and good heart. Whereas he, college or not, is a self-centered child with no grasp of hard work or the ability to think of anyone but himself. In retrospect, I see myself as better off than him. I've seen the real world and live it everyday. The good and the bad I take in stride and keep going. I am successful because I am happy. I achieve what I want everyday I wake up. That to me is wonderful, I wouldn't trade it for all the money in the world.
All that being said is only a taste of the essence of that evil but I have no desire to continue polluting my page with their rot. So David and I have decided that once again we would like to move and get away from this crap. Were hoping to do it soon, living with two people who won't say a word edge-wise but continue to use your crap does stink. Here is hoping all that good kharma comes into play and we find jobs and a place down there!
Its been almost a year and a half since I moved to Flagstaff from Michigan. The time spent here has been a wonderful and interesting experience to say the least. I have met my David who makes everyday magical and I have a job full of people who are a blast to be around. My only gripe up here is my living situation. I currently share an apartment with my boyfriend and these two spoiled children. They are so naive to how the real world is and function with the attitude the world and everyone in it owes them something. That kind of attitude drives me nuts and I would love nothing more than to watch them fall flat with a hard dose of reality. Unfortunately, I do not see that happening anytime soon. Living with them has been fight after fight, most of which is about stupid shit that any normal roommates would have no problems with. Per example, Nicole (the man in the relationship), believes David is screwing her on the utility bills and will only pay if she has copies of them. Now we have lived together for seven months now and that was never a problem up until a few weeks ago. Apparently, she meant to be making copies all along but just plain forget. Yea....I am so sure that's the case. Her reasoning is that she needs to see where her money is going. The only problem is its just mommy and daddy's money not hers. Next up on the plate is Nigel (Nicole's bitch and indentured servant). He is 19 with the demeanor of a spoiled 5 year old, which by the way he admitted to in a fight several weeks back, total comedic gold that one was. He has a tendency to throw fits when we do what he wants or agree with him. The tension in this place is almost palpable with Nigel stomping around and Nicole well....just being herself. I am quite tired of living with little kids who spent the previous parts of their lives being handed everything on a silver platter.
Recently I met the most wonderful guy. Honestly, there really is many other ways to meet guys in Flagstaff. We have no gay bars or any places to go like that. Anyway, we have gone like 5 dates and I think things are going well. First off, he actually is looking to be in a relationship. Unlike so many guys I have dated before who didn't have the slightest clue wanted they wanted aside from sex. I mean there is nothing wrong with sex I just want something more. Secondly, we have a lot in common on our beliefs as far as relationships, love, and many other things. It's nice because when were together we can go out or just stay at his place and cuddle and talk. The biggest thing to me is that it doesn't seem all one sided. When were not together we text back and forth and I can tell that he actually likes me and I am not forcing myself on him. I haven't had really strong feelings for anyone in quite a long time. I can look back on previous minor relationships and see that it wasn't meant to be and it was all me trying. In this instance, its a mutual thing. He enjoys being with me as much as I enjoy it. I find myself thinking about him to the point at times where I lose my head a bit and forget to do things. This has happened to me a few times already at work. Whether its forgetting to do a pull or just spacing out in general. My heart skips a beat at times around him. It just all feels like such unfamiliar territory to me. I really like him but I worry about liking him too much. Too many people have hurt me when I let them into my life too much. Usually its the friend bomb that strikes and that really stinks. Though as previously stated he is actually looking for someone. I am ready to give him my all, I am putting myself out on a limb and hoping for the best. Mainly, right now, I am hoping to get to spend Valentine's Day together. I am off that day but he may be in Phoenix. It would be so nice to have a great romantic evening together. I can do romance and I am anxious to show that to him. If not that then its getting smashed and watching romantic comedies at home. I know its just a hallmark holiday but I'd love to spend it with someone special. Just got to keep on going and hoping for the best.
I have to wonder if perhaps I am better off just being alone. I have been looking back on my past relationships in reflection as of late. I have come to the realization that all of them have just fallen to crap. I can't exactly figure out the common denominator between them all though. Obviously there is no true theme as to why they all ended. Whether it was cheating, simply falling out of love with me and in love with their best friend, or just wanting to be friends. I truly believe that gay men are more unpredictable than women. I find that girls may be manipulative at times but at least they seem to know what they want. Whereas guys just make attempt to figure that out and jerk you around in the process. I am more than likely coming off as bitter, however that is not how I feel. I'm simply looking at this from an observational standpoint based on my past experiences. I have dated quite a bit over the past two years and the guys who have all been different all share a common theme....they don't know what they want. It drives me up the wall when someone isn't sure if they are ready to be in a relationship. Its my belief if you are not sure you are ready to be in a relationship you shouldn't even consider dating. In my opinion, if you aren't sure you about it you should work out whatever issues you have before dragging another person into your life. As per my experiences, I date people who might want more and then wait a few weeks to just dump you and want to be friends. It seems so easy to just throw those words and expect some switch to just be flicked and make it all wonderful. Just to forget being more than friends and chill together immediately afterwards. Guys can be so confusing, it seems the only option is to remain single and stay unconfused.
I hate the most "friend". I just don't understand why I can't meet a guy who won't jerk me around. It seems like a pattern where I date guys who I give the world to. In the end, which comes very abruptly they end up not wanting to be in a relationship and leaving me feeling really put out. I am truly tired of pursuing men who all I do is pursue. I want someone who just wants me. Its not that I do those things just to get guys interested. I really enjoy doing stuff for others, its just that once in a while I want someone to do something for me. I have been trying to date and I just wonder if there is someone out there who isn't a shmuck or a commitment phobic. Its my hope to meet a guy that is ready for more than just a quick hook up.
So my last little relationship ended the way many of the others have. He dropped the word
It was back in December on the 21st. I was hanging with my friends Andy and Isaac. Andy left around 10 and Isaac told me he wanted me to meet his friend Jared. I was kind of hesitant at first but decided to go out of curiosity. I am glad I did because we really clicked. I spent the night with him and the next night as well. I also got to spend x-mas eve with him. I made an awesome coconut curry and some chocolate covered strawberries which froze to rocks. We also exchanged gifts that night which was really sweet. I also got to spend most of new years eve with him save for leaving at 10 for work. However, I called him at 12ish and made our relationship official. I really like him but I do have some reservations. I have very strong feelings that I want to express to him yet I don't want to scare him off. He hasn't had any last more than 2 months which means really serious relationships are new territory for him and I know how scary it can be at times. I just need to tell him how I feel and hope for the best. I just don't want to end up alone again because of my own foolishness.
So, I have been in Flagstaff since November 7th. Within two weeks I had already got a job at Target doing backroom logistics. I love my job, the people are awesome and the pay is decent. The work is tough at times but I am not one to be above some manual labor. I am just happy to have a job at all. Now with Christmas over its not as bad and things are getting a little lighter as far as work load goes. The hardest part has been adjusting my sleep schedule to my job. I work at 10pm to 6:30 am. So now I sleep till like 5 every day and generally miss out on daylight. If I have errands I wake up around 2 and get my shtuff done. The really exciting part about my life currently is I am now seeing someone.
All in all, I think the trip did what it was supposed to do. I left to rekindle my faith that there is in good in humankind. Having met so many nice people and received so much from them gave me a fresh look at life. My trip was rough at times and quite a few times I just sat down and wanted to give up. I am thankful I made it here and it has truly changed my life. Who knows maybe someday I'll do it again to somewhere else. For now, I plan to stay here and enjoy whatever may happen.
So much has happened since I last updated here. I suppose I should begin at the beginning. Back in early November, I left Michigan by train without telling a soul. I had a lot of reasons for leaving there. No family, couldn't stand where I lived, my best friend left, my job closed down, it goes on. My plan was to take a train to Green Rivers, Utah and hitchhike to Zion National Park. I had about 80 bucks to my name and only a backpack with some necessities. The train ride took about 35 hours and was amazing. The views were breathtaking and the people I met made the trip to Utah wonderful. Once I arrived at my stop, I had a very nice woman named Rose give me a ride into the nearby town of Moab, to the Lazy Lizard Lounge. I never stayed at a hostel so it was a great experience. I met these 4 girls from Paris, France who were traveling across the world together. My four years of French paid off, because I was able to talk with them very well despite minor language barrier issues. I also met another couple who gave me a ride to the next town in the morning. From there, I got myself a sleeping bag and started hiking southward. I had gone about 15 miles before a nice older gentleman gave me a ride to Blanding. I got there around 12 and stopped for lunch. Leaving Blanding was where I hit my first minor snag in my journey. Due to the fact that I am absolutely horrible with directions I wound up wandering around the town for about an hour trying to find the road to the town of Bluff. I was so excited about seeing another town and so utterly disappointed when I finally got there at dusk that day. Notably the walk there was full of beautiful sites. The rock formations and valleys made the walk quite pleasant. Anyway, since it was getting dark I decided that I should hunker down for the night soon. I walked to the outskirts of Bluff and crawled into my sleeping bag hidden behind some bushes off the road. Sleeping outside was really cold but seeing the starry sky in its fullness for the first time made it all worth it. I had never seen so many stars in my life, its one of the highlights of the whole trip. The next morning I was awakened around 6 by some coyotes howling in the not so distance. I walked about 5 miles until a nice couple picked me up. They were traveling through Utah and Colorado sightseeing for the week. I ended up touring the "Valley of the Gods" with them. The formations were so interesting and just getting to share that moment with absolute strangers and having them treat me so nicely made me feel very lucky. "I got left in Mexican Hat just in time for lunch at a delightful little restaurant (also one of two in the whole "town"). I left there a bit later and headed for the border of Arizona. I had to climb this horrible steep road that was a major leg killer. About 15 minutes of climbing yielded me another ride from the same nice couple. I got about 15 miles outside of Kayenta with about 3 hours before dark. It was then I decided a major shift in my plans. I called my brother in Flagstaff up and he invited me to come down. Now that I had a more set plan I felt renewed and more determined than ever. I hiked well into dark until a police officer picked me up. Apparently, he thought it was suspicious that I was hiking along a dark road alone. After some heavy questioning, a check of my belongings and a little background check he gave me a ride to Tuba City. I stayed at a campground behind a Quality inn for the night. I would have just kept going but he was watching me until I got a room or something, butthole. My night would have been more pleasant had I not had to share my bag with a stray dog. It slept on top of my legs and refused to leave. The next day I left early and was followed down to the road by some black dog I believed to be the spawn of Satan. That damn dog followed me and everytime a car looked like it was slowing down to give me a ride the dog would run out and chase it away. Thankfully after like 10 miles of walking I got a ride and escaped the devil. I made it into Flagstaff at like 10:30 in the morning and met with my brother. After settling in at his place I called my family who was extremely relieved that I was safe. They all kind of freaked that I just up and left with no real plan. So now I am living in Flagstaff and loving it.
I just don't feel like I belong in this world, I wish I could find another place and go there. It's sounds so silly but I just want to go to another world away from this one. I have moved many times and though each time is new its still the same place. I want to go where I know nothing and its all new. If the opportunity to go to a new world arose I would leave in a heartbeat with nothing but the clothes on my back.
For the past few months I have been spending most of my nights alone. As anyone who knows me knows I am fairly nocturnal and am at my best late at night. Despite my trying to keep occupied I always come back to alone time with my thoughts. Most of my thoughts are about all the different people that have been in my life and how they were. I listen to them speaking of loved ones and friends and expressing longing to see certain people or memories of people who have passed away. I find it interesting to see the changes in their voice, posture, and expressions when subjects change. While observing I think of all the people in my life and try to express things like others do. I find that in the end I can't quite find those links to others to really miss them or feel some strong emotion. People out here ask if I miss my family and friends back in PA. I think about it for a brief moment and and dismiss that notion. It's not that I dislike anyone in my past its just I can't seem find any roots with anyone. I have moved many times in the past few years and each time I leave my past behind and just go forward. From time to time, I wonder about people I knew, but never for very long. Nothing ever feels the same when I leave and never feel a yearning to retrace my steps. I am asked many times if I have any desire to return to PA. Truthfully I don't. It's not that I don't love my family there its just that that place is my past. I don't run from my past because as I walk away from it the memories and bonds fade away. If there is any sadness or longing it passes very swiftly. I think of my dog Nipper once in a while. He was my best friend and shadow when I lived with my grandmother and again when I took him with me to live with Paul. Now its been over 6 months and I have not got him nor asked how he is. I know it sounds extremely callous but its how I always seem to think. I have accepted him as living with Paul, having a stable home with love. I can't bring myself to say it to Paul because I no longer can connect with my words with him or what we were. It seems like ages ago since I left my last home. I still have so many things there...yet could care less. Everytime I leave more things get left behind...people, memories, things. It seems like I am just readying myself for the inevitable time when I truly am all alone. Each time I leave somewhere I think of all the people I know and it still doesn't stop me from going.